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Chapter One
Present Day
His eyes were gray. I had never noticed before. They weren’t the color of slate but smoky and mysterious.
Swallowing a hard knot of dread that surfaced in my throat, I walked down the silent aisle toward him. Chin held high, very lady-like in posture and demeanor, a trace of smile upon my lips—I was the picture of confidence.
Inside, I trembled.
I stopped in front of the altar. A cloying scent of gardenias assaulted my senses. How curious the delicate white flowers in my bouquet should be so overpowering. Just like the man beside me. Just like the deep, heady gray of his eyes.
I extended my hand. He took it, and I drew a breath and held it. The firmness of his fingers surprised me.
“Friends.” The minister glanced up at us and smiled. “We are gathered together in the sight of God to witness and bless the joining together of Mary and Alexander in Christian marriage.”
Alex was tall, so tall I had to look up to connect with those mesmerizing eyes. I was aware of my breathing, erratic and shallow. I’d married for the second time in my life and, once again, my reasons were more practical than romantic.
How even more ironic was the Methodist minister’s white stole, a symbol of purity and love. I felt neither pure nor in love. His black robes better matched my somber mood.
“I ask you now,” Reverend Watts continued, “in the presence of God and these people, to declare your intention to enter into a union with one another.”
To enter into a union.
Heaven help me. Would it be a union? How could it be? Our union was a business arrangement, plain and simple. I understood that. For some reason though, sadness settled around my heart.
Reverend Watts looked at me. “Mary, will you have Alexander to be your husband to live together in holy marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?”
Alex’s penetrating gaze burned upon my upturned face. “I will,” I said at last.
“Alexander, will you have Mary to be your wife?”
From underneath my lashes, I watched him. He wore his black hair swept back and long, curling at his neck. A stray lock touched his forehead and set off his eyes. His high cheekbones and jawline gave him a classic look. His lips were full and inviting. Enigmatic in his formal black tuxedo, crisp white shirt, and bow tie, he seemed a brooding Byronic hero. Handsome, though austere, his masculine good looks belonged to another century or, at least, on the cover of a romantic novel.
How different would my life have been if I hadn’t become pregnant my freshman year in college…if I hadn’t married Bill…if I hadn’t miscarried? What if I had met Alexander Dominican under different circumstances, before life touched me so cruelly?
“I will.” His deep voice resonated throughout the empty chapel.
Turning from the minister to me, Alex’s eyes brightened as his gaze captured mine. Out of habit, I licked my lips, but nothing eased my tension. The strain I felt surely communicated to the self-assured man who held my hand. Did he feel the hypocrisy of our oath? Or was he simply satisfied with a marriage of convenience?
Daring him with my stare, I narrowed my own eyes in challenge to his casual acceptance of our deceit before God. His black brow lifted to meet my taunt. He cocked his head as if to tell me I could yet back out. I could walk away a single woman. Poor, but single.
I shifted my gaze, unable to continue our silent joust. He knew full well I couldn’t back out. Bill’s death had made my current situation untenable.
“Let us pray. Eternal God, creator and preserver of all life.”
I bowed my head but couldn’t shut my eyes. My dilemma didn’t seem right. Nothing seemed right these last few weeks. Not since the dark-clad police officer had come to my door telling me my husband of eight years had been killed in a car accident.
Bill and I hadn’t been lovers in the end. Or even in love. Oddly, ours had been a pragmatic marriage because of the baby…the baby who died. Yet, we had made a compact and married before God. I had honored our agreement, much as I planned to honor my new one with this man by my side.
When the prayer ended, the minister motioned us to face each other and join both our hands. I gave my bouquet to Gail, my maid of honor. She hesitated as if to object, then took it. I was able to accept Alex’s free hand. The grip of his fingers transmitted tingling warmth through my arms. Trite as it sounds, I felt my heart skip a beat.
What was this reaction? It had been a long time since I’d felt sexual attraction, and I certainly did not expect to feel ardor toward this man with whom I had signed a contract. What good would my feelings do? Although married, we had an arrangement. Ours would be a platonic relationship. Because his wife Allison had died so suddenly, I would be a mother to his infant daughter. He would pay my debts.
Why had I agreed to such a stark and precise agreement? It left no room for this unexpected play of emotion.
“I, Alexander, take you, Mary, to be my wife.”
To be my wife.
My throat constricted. I had met Dr. Alexander Dominican the night I lost my baby. The partner of my regular OB-GYN, Dr. Hilliard, Alex had been on call. Still regretting my teen years, I knew I had been such a fool to let myself get pregnant.
Straightening my shoulders at the thought, I caught the slight narrowing of Alex’s eyes, and turned self-consciously from his scrutiny. What did he really think about me? Did he remember that scared eighteen-year-old-patient of eight years ago? I had changed. Did he know I’d changed? Did he care?
The minister nodded. Summoning all my willpower, I repeated in a hushed voice the same vows. My hands were damp when Alex released them to turn to his best man, Dr. Hilliard. At the same time, Gail handed me a wide gold band. Unable to meet Alex’s gaze, I took his left hand and slid the band across his third finger.
A strange feeling of familiarity enveloped me. In a different time, I believed he would have bowed and kissed the back of my hand. Today, he held onto it and gently slipped the new wedding band into place on my finger. I glanced up to find his eyes appraising me. As I tightened my lips, my returning gaze did not falter. The weight of the ornate, gold ring nudged into my flesh and created a symbolic link between us.
“Bless, O Lord, the giving of these rings, that they who wear them may live in your peace and continue in your favor all the days of their lives.”
Alex smiled a slow, half smile, as if he understood something I had failed to discern. The smile softened his stern features, bringing back my recollection of the gentle doctor who had once comforted and cared for me. I offered a smile in reply and was gratified to see his eyes lighten in response.
The minister joined our hands together again and wrapped his white stole around them. He cleared his throat and raised his voice to include all the guests in his pronouncement.
“Now that Alexander and Mary have given themselves to each other by solemn vows with the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of rings, I announce to you that they are husband and wife; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Those whom God has joined together, let no one put asunder.”
A surprising disquiet pricked my scalp and traced down the back of my neck. What was wrong? I swallowed once, to ease the dryness in my mouth and then looked up from our joined hands. We were husband and wife. It seemed so appropriate, so right. As if it was meant to be. But how could it under the strained circumstances?
“Are you going to kiss the bride?” I heard amusement in the minister’s voice.
Alex released my hands. I felt oddly bereft. He stared at me, his eyes shadowed by coal-colored lashes. I read the speculation in them. He lifted his hands, and I fixed my gaze upon them, charmed by the beauty of his tapered fingers. His hands lingered in the air briefly, and then Alex raised the thin veil from my face. My gaze now held spellbound by his, I watched as he gently elevated my chin with a fingertip and caressed my cheek with a thumb.
For an instant, my heart hung suspended in my chest, then dropped into a relentless beat. Why did I welcome the touch of his hand upon my skin?
He stood so very close. His warm breath touched my face. I saw the flecks of dark in the lighter gray of his eyes. My own eyes widened in dismay as Alex lowered his lips to mine, tenderly touching them with a kiss so poignant it pierced my soul.
The kiss startled us both. I could tell by the way he hesitated, seeming to gasp for breath. With his left hand, he caressed my face, connecting us to each other in an untold way. I found it hard to breathe. I found it hard to move. In the recesses of my mind, warning bells clamored.
I straightened my shoulders and shifted my chin away from his touch. We may be married, but his kiss was not appropriate for two people with a business arrangement. Awkwardly separating, we held each other’s gazes an instant. I felt dazed, swaying from side to side. Alex set his jaw and glanced away.
“Congratulations.” Reverend Watts pumped Alex’s hand.
Gail gave me my bouquet and offered me a swift hug. Her face was strained, her lips pursed. “I hope you’ll be happy, Mary.”
“Thank you.”
Holding on to Gail’s hug longer than necessary, I then stepped back, embarrassed. I knew she was upset with me for marrying Alex. My friend had tried to talk me out of it, especially so soon after Bill’s death. My reasons were wrong she told me. I was being purchased like a broodmare for the price of my late husband’s gambling debt. A significant gambling debt, I tried to remind her. Bill had owed more than three hundred thousand dollars that became my debt after his death. I had no other way out. Gail and I had argued. It was no surprise we now had so little to say to each other. We treated each other uneasily.
Nearby, Dr. Hilliard congratulated Alex, slapping him on his back.
“How do you capture the pretty ones, my man?” Dr. Hilliard asked. “How do you do it? You’ve got a beauty here for a wife. I ought to know….” He finished his sentence with a meaningful wink.
I thought his remark crude. He was my gynecologist, after all, and, of course, knew me in a medical sense. But I overlooked it and allowed him to congratulate me with what I thought was to be the obligatory kiss for the bride.
It was more like a lover’s kiss. His tongue invaded my mouth. He held me tightly with too much familiarity.
Tasting bourbon, I abruptly ended the kiss, tossing my head as if to fling the flush of outrage from my heated face.
“Why, Dr. Hilliard,” I snapped. “You certainly have a knack for exploratory surgery. Did they teach you that in medical school?”
He laughed. “Yes, Alex, I love a woman with spunk.”
“Or is it just my women you love, John?” My husband’s tone was slick ice.
I tried to assess the undercurrents swirling around me, only to find Alex’s stony demeanor unreadable.
Thankfully, Reverend Watts interrupted our conversation. “Please step into my office to sign the marriage certificate.” He stepped back to allow us to precede him out of the quiet sanctuary.
Alex took me possessively by the hand and tucked it under his arm. He kept hold of my fingers, his own hand warm and sure. I had no trouble keeping up with his deliberate pace. There was something strangely comfortable about the way our strides matched.
“He’s been my doctor for eight years,” I murmured, “but I never realized Dr. Hilliard could be so insufferable.”
“You’ve only seen him on his best behavior at the office. My esteemed partner usually doesn’t come to work under the influence of Maker’s Mark.”
“He’s not an alcoholic, is he?” I asked, thinking about my late husband.
Alex paused and looked down at me. “Let’s just say he’s walking a fine line where I’m concerned. I’ve been monitoring his behavior. Oddly, it has worsened in the months since Allison’s death.”
I gave Alex a slight smile, grateful for his explanation.
“They are waiting,” he remarked. “Let’s go in.”
The minister’s office was hot. Summer sunshine streamed through open drapes. We crowded inside while Reverend Watts went to a window air conditioner unit and turned it on. A blast of cool air erupted into the room. Returning to his desk, the minister shuffled papers for what seemed an eternity, finally producing a formal-looking document. When he nodded at us, Alex released me and stepped forward. Standing slightly away from him, I watched my new husband bend over the minister’s desk and put his signature on the paper.
My situation seemed so unreal. Gail was angry with me. My trusted doctor had a drinking problem, and I was married…again…to a man who mystified but also intrigued me.
Suddenly, a high-pitched, ringing sound shrilled loudly in my ears, growing in intensity until it blocked out other sounds. Was something wrong with the air-conditioning unit? Alex turned toward me, offering me the pen. His mouth moved, but I couldn’t hear him speak. The stuffy little office grew fuzzy. Sweat beaded on my upper lip. I felt weightless—as if I was floating.
Like Fourth of July fireworks, pulsating lights of exploding colors shot before my eyes. I closed them. In the distance behind my eyes, I saw a young girl dressed in a strange yellow gown. The room vibrated….
* * *
England, 1327
Lady Mary de Mandeville confronted her father. Scowling in anger, she placed her hands on her hips. “I will not go!”
Sir Robert studied her with calm regard. “You have no choice in the matter, my girl,” he said, looking down at the document he held in his hand. “The earl’s marriage proposal is fair and well-met. The deal has been struck, and you are to leave on the morrow.”
“No! I will not marry an old man. All he wants from me is an heir. I am to be only his broodmare.” Mary twirled around to gaze glumly into the fire.
“It’s the way of the world, Mary. Perhaps if your mother had lived, she could have helped you understand.”
Mary’s throat tightened with hopelessness. She didn’t answer, understanding all too well. Well-born women were wed for dynastic reasons, and their most important tasks were to produce healthy sons.
“You are fifteen and ’tis past time you married. I’ve been lenient long enough.”
Sir Robert’s unyielding words spoke her doom. Mary knew she had lost, but she didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want to leave her home and the father she held so close to her heart. Nevertheless, she wasn’t blind. Her father had grown gaunt with disease these past months. Gellis, her maid, had told her she must face the unavoidable truth. He was dying, and he wanted to provide for her. Yet, why would he send her away? Why would he not want her with him during these last days?
Her heart ached with the dismissal, for she knew it meant her father held her in scarce regard. Why else would he make her leave during his time of need?
“The earl will permit you to bring Gellis. You’ll like that,” Sir Robert coaxed.
“Allow me to bring my maid? How kind of his lordship!” Disheartened, Mary struck out once more. “I’m expected to be at that old man’s very beck and call, and he ‘allows’ me my maid!”
Mary heard her father sigh. “The lord is a very comely man. He is but twenty years older than you and not so very old.”
When Mary didn’t respond, her father tried another tactic. “I know you had your heart set on the Warwick boy. But for the terrible accident at the lists, you would already be his bride. Because of his death, I’ve been patient with you, not pressing you to marry because of your grief. Yet, it is high time you make a good marriage and do as I command.”
Turning to face him, her unnaturally dry eyes were desolate in despair. She looked straight at her father and, lifting her chin, nodded. Submit she must. What else could she do?
The strange vision shifted.
Mary was married. It was her wedding night, but she felt none of the excitement a young girl should feel. Instead, she dreaded what was to come. Thank goodness, they all were gone—those strange women who had witnessed her wedding and her dreadful mother-in-law who had departed, as well, with the stern command to do her duty.
Earlier, these women had stripped her naked, shaming her with their wanton talk as they prepared her for bed. Her servant Gellis had brushed her long blond hair until it snapped and sparkled. Then her good maid had sprinkled her body with scented rose water, and while the other women watched and gossiped, tucked her securely into bed draping her flowing hair over her shoulders and breasts to cover them. Finally, her maid pulled the drapes around the bed for warmth.
Alone now in the lord’s great cold bed, her fingers clutching the linen sheets, Mary waited. This was the way of the world. She was a realist and understood well enough. Besides, what did it matter whom she married since she couldn’t have Richard Warwick? His young life had been snuffed out, so what did anything else matter?
Lowering her lashes, she squeezed her eyes as if to shut off the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. It worked, for by the time she heard her husband and his men coming toward the solar, her eyes were dry.
The boisterous laughter of the male wedding guests drifted through the shut door. A couple’s wedding night was known for the bedding ritual and that, among other baser things, scared Mary to death.
“Now, my good fellows. You have seen me safely to my chamber where my little bride awaits me. Pray you, take your leave so I may go alone inside.”
She listened intently to her husband’s voice. Was he not drunk like the others? He didn’t sound it.
“Yea, yea,” her lord said in response to the rowdy encouragement of his companions. “But I’m not a green lad going with wobbly legs to my wedding bed. You forget. Many of you ushered me to this same room some twenty years past. Humor me now, as I honor my child bride. She’s newly come from her home, inexperienced and frightened. Let me go alone so as to spare her sensibilities.”
After a few catcalls and friendly jeers, the celebrants retreated from the door and the noise faded. Seemingly, they would let their lord make merry in his own way, for there was good whisky and wine to be found in the great hall, wagers to be won, and their own women to bed.
The solar door opened and closed. He came to her then, across the quiet chamber. Mary heard him undress and approach the great bed. When he pulled back the linen hanging, cold air washed over her face before she turned her gaze away from him. His great weight depressed the side of the feather mattress as he lifted the fur coverlet and crawled in beside her. He smelled of good Bordeaux wine and mustard. She could hear him breathing regularly.
“Look at me, my wife,” he said, touching her chin with a forefinger and drawing her head around.
Wide-eyed, Mary gazed at him as she was told. He was very good looking for a man of thirty-five. His arms were muscular and his chest full of dark, thick hair. Thankfully, Mary couldn’t see the rest of his body, but she felt his strong leg resting against her own. His head was bare. She’d never realized the blackness of his hair. Even in the candlelit gloom of the solar, she could see it shine with a luster of its own as it fell to his shoulders. His nose was straight, his face classically drawn. Most importantly, his soft, gray eyes were kind. They spoke a gentleness she had never associated with him.
“I know you are frightened,” he said to her. “I’m not a randy youth. I will not hurry our union, for its outcome is much too important.”
Turning her head away, her pale lashes lowered over her eyes, Mary remembered the reason for their marriage. Her warrior husband had failed to get his first wife with child. Success on the battlefield certainly did not herald success in the bedroom. Her great lord needed an heir, and months after the death of his first wife, he had contracted with her father, hoping his child-bride would prove a good breeder. Mary shivered as she envisioned him running his hands down her legs and pulling back her lips to check her teeth like a horse at auction. She didn’t want to be a broodmare. She wanted to love and be loved.
“I’ve left the curtains parted so I can see you,” he explained in a hushed voice. “For tonight I am content just to look at you and hold you—to let you grow accustomed to having me near you.”
Mary was dumbfounded. How could she be this fortunate? She had expected the very worst. Her mother-in-law didn’t need to remind her it was her duty to acquiesce, if not willingly, then passively. Now she had been given a reprieve, and she was indebted to this man by her side.
Still averting her gaze, Mary spoke quietly. “I thank you, my lord, for granting to me more than I deserve.”
When she looked at him again, he was smiling, his eyes lit with approval. Charmed, she reached up and touched his beardless cheek.
The stroke startled them both. He caught her hand and gently kissed the back of her hand. Then he wrapped her in his arms and drew her down in the bed. He simply hugged her. Her lord was so warm, and after the first awkward moments, Mary felt so safe and protected in his bear-like embrace. Hearts beating as one, the rising and falling of their breasts in unison, they snuggled together, and after such an eventful wedding day, fell soundly asleep.
* * *
Present Day
“Mary, what’s wrong?”
Alex’s voice came to me as if from a deep, deep abyss.
I was in a daze, that nethermost world between full awareness and oblivion. Had I been dreaming? Slowly, I became mindful again of my physical body. I was standing, hardly able to keep my feet. Blinking, as if seeing through a fog, I looked at my new husband’s gray eyes. Ironically, the crystalline vision of the young newlywed and her mighty medieval lord had been vivid and strong.
I struggled to regain my composure. What had I seen? Could I believe my senses? What did the man in my vision, who tenderly held his new bride, have to do with me? Why would my mind play games with me? More importantly, why, in the here and now, would my heart seem so unwieldy with a yearning that weighted my very soul?
Throbbing with longing, I stared at the sunlight that danced across the ceiling. I stared at the ceiling, the shaft of bright light from the window making mockery of my memories. In them I saw the reflection of another time.
An oppressive silence had settled over the room. Everyone watched me. Solicitous, Gail’s face loomed near mine. Alex gently gripped my wrist to take my pulse. His fingers were an unholy conflagration upon my skin.
I felt a flush mount in my cheeks. Never in the long years of my previous marriage, or in the hasty, giddy days of my youth, had I wanted a man as much as I wanted my new husband. I wanted Alex, now—forever. It was an unexpected desire, and it troubled me.
“Sit down, Mary,” Alex ordered, propelling me backward until I felt the edge of a chair touch my legs. Alex lowered me and held my upper arms until I was seated. Swallowing, I tried to ease the dryness in my mouth.
“It’s the strain,” Gail said. “She’s been under so much stress.”
The minister offered me a glass of water. I sipped it with gratitude.
“I’m okay,” I said, lifting my chin and trying to be brave.
I handed the glass back to Alex, and our fingers touched again. The brief contact sent sparks chasing up and down me. What was wrong? Why couldn’t I control the ebb and flow of my reaction to this man? My body told me one thing, but my mind denied it. In truth, I had committed myself to another loveless marriage and was unsure now why I had married Alex. For better or worse, though, I would keep my bargain. It would be hard. I would pass my wedding night in a cold, solitary bed. The child-bride of my vision had experienced a finer honeymoon than I would ever have.
I wanted so much more out of life.
Even with the breath of cool air from the air conditioner, I found the room stifling. It was much too bright. I lifted my arm to hide my eyes from the light of the sun scorching the room. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hide from myself.
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